went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
