There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
