I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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