Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
