I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We just shotgunned beers for America
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
did you just send me my own nude
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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