My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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