The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
