Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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