God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Girls should come with a carfax report
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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