I look better un-naked...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
