God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
