why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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