Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
