He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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