he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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