stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
