I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My life is pants optional.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
