I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
