remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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