Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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