I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
