Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dick very happy bro
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
