just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
