I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
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Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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