I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
the raccoons are back...
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