I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
