I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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