Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
