I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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