i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
