Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
