I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
