I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
