If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
