Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
