he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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