Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
