How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
