Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
