No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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