I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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