my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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