I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
