Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
