You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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