Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
