My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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