she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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