So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
