I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
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Did I show you my penis last night?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
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We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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