Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
