now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
