cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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