home. puking in laundry basket.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
