you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
