so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
