those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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