I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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