i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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